Chapter 387 - I Think I Might Have Lost the Ability to Love Anyone
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Panda Novel“I love you, and I do not care who you choose to love, and I could care less to my absence in your heart; I only cared that you would be mine alone to have.”
All that talk about wanting only her heart and not her body, and her body and nor her heart was utter nonsense. This man wanted both.
If he were to pick only one, then without a shred of doubt he would pick none other than her body.
With her body alone, and just by having her on his side, sooner or later she would undoubtedly be his alone to have.
Yue Tingfeng was unlike any normal man. He was unlike anyone Yan Qingsi had met before, so she was unsure of what she could say to dissuade a man like him.
Sometimes, he would act like a child. Sometimes, he would be like a complete cripple. Other times, this man seemed like he would shoulder every burden in her world for her. She had resented him before, and used him before. However, as of then she was uncertain as to how she truly felt about him.
She had desperately refused anyone into her life and even more so, her heart. She knew exactly where she stood and what her circumstances meant for her. She knew exactly what she had to do and was even more clear to the consequences and the amount of backlash to completing what she would eventually do.
She would not end well…
And thus, she had no right to love anyone and was even more unworthy to accept anyone’s love for her.
Yan Qingsi felt extremely conflicted as she stared into Yue Tingfeng’s eyes. She was struggling to come to terms with her own emotions. She could not help but wished she was none other than a regular working-class, normal woman. If only she was all of those things, it would be amazing for her!
Yue Tingfeng noticed her struggle and conflicted emotion through her eyes. He could see her pain she felt deep down in her heart.
Yue Tingfeng clenched his teeth tightly and hardened his heart for her. However, he did not interrupt her personal struggle. He almost told her, ‘Fine, if you do not know what to say, then so be it.’
He thought about that bastard Helan Fangnian, and then proceeded to think about Qing Jingzhi and finally Jin Xuechu. ‘Hmph…she’s all mine!’, he simply thought to himself.
Yan Qingsi gripped onto the corner of her sleeves tightly. She was sweating at the palms of her hands and her throat was burning.
All Yan Qingsi wanted to do was to look into her heart and gain some clarity to her feelings for him. However, all she gained was more uncertainty as she could not see the depth of her heart. It was as if she could not find her heart and all that was left was emptiness.
Yan Qingsi panicked, and it was her first time to ever panic in front of Yue Tingfeng. She had fear in her eyes as her mouth was trembling at the uncertainty in her heart. She could only mutter. “I… don’t know, I feel like… I might have… lost the ability to accept someone else’s love…”
From the moment she had seen her mother’s death right before her eyes, her childhood was already robbed from her. She had not experienced a normal youth during her youthful teen years. She was, instead, instantly matured and baptized by her mother’s blood and corpse.
At the very moment, she knew that she would not want anyone’s love for her and she would reject her love for others. All she knew was to grow stronger, and that she would walk the path to vengeance. Hence, she hardened her own heart.
Just because she was merely a speck of dust and insignificant to others, she would be walked all over and stepped on all over till she draws her last breath.
She dared not to embrace emotions or to have any friends. She feared her carelessness would mean her downfall.
Whenever a person was determined to reject their very own emotions and to harden their heart to others, with time, they will lose the ability to truly love anyone else because they were unable to find their heart in the ocean of darkness.
Just like a habit, she was used to how things were. It would not be an easy task to rid oneself of that habit.
Yan Qingsi’s current state was exactly like that. Her past self never thought much or carry any guilt of what she had done. As a matter of fact, she thought it was actually a good thing to her. She could easily cast away anyone in her life, completely ignoring everyone’s presence.
However, things were different for her. Having someone treat her differently from regular people, and being offered an eternity with that person; it hit her like a running train. She had realized she had completely lost sight of her heart and was unable to find it.
However…
Yan Qingsi’s eyes were completely dried. She had no tears left for him. She opened her mouth and slowly started to speak. “I don’t want to refuse as well, what do you think I should do then?”
Yes, she was right. She did not want to refuse.
…